Visibility is like Enlightenment: It is both a practice & a process

When I was a little girl, I lived in the juxtaposition of wanting to be normal, to blend in, and simultaneously wanting to be seen for the person that I truly was. I wanted someone to see me, to recognize me in the gifts that I held, without my open demonstration of my gifts or myself.

When I grew up, the way that I grew up (the conditions for which I was raised), it didn’t feel safe to express. It was safer to hide.

The way that I survived was through conformity, through being the best version of what other people expected of me, through following the rules, through being obedient, and through blending in. The way that I survived was by abandoning my true self in place of programming, in place of what I thought was required of me.

Yet when we deny aspects of ourselves, when we abandon parts of ourselves, the shadow always emerges.

So there was another side of me that was fueled by rebellion against conformity, against following the rules for the sake of obedience, against trusting that there was anyone else on the planet who would know better than I could, what was best for me -- therefore, a part of me rebelled against listening (in any way) to anyone.

As I grew up, I oscillated between this conformity and nonconformity, between being who I thought I was supposed to be, and being whatever the fuck I *thought* I wanted.

Regardless of the part I played, I still failed to be fully seen, to be fully witnessed, or held by anyone.

I felt alone, a lot. I felt misunderstood, a lot. I felt incapable of communicating anything meaningful or true in a way that someone else would hear me, would see me, would see themselves in me, would understand.

What I eventually learned was that you cannot both hide yourself and expect to be seen at the very same time.

AND, that no matter how much you try to control your circumstance, your message, the people around you, your life, the lives of others, you cannot control how anyone else will see you -- no matter how real and true you are.

Only you can know if you are being real and true.

You cannot both be in control of what others see or know, and be true to yourself.

Being visible actually is about reclaiming all parts of yourself and letting go of control. It’s about no longer hiding parts of yourself — the parts that you are ashamed of, or the parts that you are excited about, but fear won’t be accepted.

Being visible is about first seeing yourself, in all parts, in all oscillations, in survival strategies, in true form, and allowing those parts to be seen, without control.

But this is not a one time, check the box experience.

Visibility is like enlightenment.

Being visible (to both yourself and others) is a practice and a process.

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Reflection inspired by a Korean Oracle card, called Perform Ancestral Rites, intermixed with a meditation to prepare for 👁VISIBILITY, a TCP program that I am leading in 2024.